Ok, so the title is kind of…eh…disturbing. (It gets better, I promise!!) No one wants to be called an outcast and no one wants to think that someone they love feels like one. Well, this is actually what I’ve felt like for the several years up until I decided to get off my bottom and do something about it: an outcast.
Mind you, the “outcast” mentality is not something that happens because of being overweight. It is a choice, a bad choice. It’s kinda like that black goo stuff that gets on Spiderman in the third movie. It overtakes you and makes you…well…different. I chose to feel like an outcast because of my weight and that is what I became. However, the outcast mentality did not come upon me just out of the clear blue sky; it was a gradual thing that started when I was little.
Being called “fat,” “fatty” and all other kinds of names under the sun while you are little doesn’t do much for your self-esteem. I started out as a relatively healthy child who played outside a lot and didn’t look big at all. The last I remember being thin (because of a yearbook photo that I have) was 3rd grade. I must’ve started to gain weight in the 4th grade because I remember being VERY chunky in my yearbook photo. I’m not even sure why I gained so much weight! It’s not like my mom made unhealthy food or that she bought us take-out a lot. Becoming fat was also just a choice that I made, even though unintentionally.
When I started to balloon out, that’s when I started to feel like the outcast of the family. My very thin sister would constantly call me names like “fatso” and “fatty.” (BTW, I hold none of this against her. She’s an amazing sister and I would not trade for anyone in the world. Young kids do stupid things and name calling is part of it…unfortunately…) I always felt like I never measured up to the rest of my family. They were either thin, popular, both or in my mind, their problems never seemed as bad as being fat. My mom was thin, my aunt was thin, my cousins were thin, it seemed like everyone was thin except me and that made me feel a lot like the “runt” of the litter: the mistake, really.
We lived in Missouri when I started getting fat and we also lived near my cousins, whom we visited often. Whenever they would visit or we would visit them, it seemed like they would all gravitate toward my sister because she was cooler or more fun or whatever the case. This left me feeling very hurt and I blamed it on the fact that I was fat. I didn’t feel like a part of the family. In fact, I tried to hang around with the adults mostly because I knew they usually saw past how much space you’d take up. I was insecure around my cousins and my sister and even though I did sometimes hang out with them, I always felt like the odd ball, the ugly duckling, misplaced no matter what I did.
When I got into high school, I always felt out of place as well. I was lucky to make the friends that I did but I was insecure around them too. I was constantly trying to find ways to “prove” to other people that I was worth something. I excelled in all my classes and it made me feel special when people would come to me for help or for answers (that I didn’t give them because cheating is wrong.) I’d always try to make people see how smart I was so that they wouldn’t see how fat I was.
French class was the absolute worst! About 95% of my French class for all four years was populated with thin, popular or rich people. Four percent consisted of the bigger, popular, rich people so they were automatically “in.” I counted myself as the 1% that wasn’t rich, was fat and was quiet (because I was fat.) I didn’t like the attention on me because that would give people a reason to stare. I tried to keep to myself and just fill out my workbook. I really only talked when the teacher would ask me a question or whenever I was trying to deter Nick Lahr from cheating. (He sat in front of me my first year and would daily look back and try to get the answers from my workbook.) For almost all four years, I sat toward the back, rarely talking and just working in my workbook, alone and feeling like an outcast. It really sucked because I wanted to be seen as special and I never felt worthy enough.
College life was a little bit of a different story with the same result. This time, I was surrounded by people that were bigger than me by several pounds. This made me feel better. (This sounds absolutely horrible.) I knew that I would no longer be the focus because there were bigger targets to focus on. I still felt like an outcast inwardly even though I was getting along on the outside. I put on a “front” but even that did fool people.
A bad self-image can get you into trouble too. In college, I reconnected with a guy I met at church camp and I thought he was the “cat’s meow.” He always told me how pretty I was, how smart, etc, etc. (A load of bull if you ask me.) I fell into this trap and spent the next few months trying to recover with secular counseling and advice from friends. Ultimately, the only thing that got me out of this depression (yes, it was diagnosed by a professional as “depression”) was going to church and spending my time with people that would speak truth into me. (One day after I decided to make a stand for myself and my happiness is when I met PJ, my husband.)
So, now you know a brief history of how I felt because of being fat. It led me to think that I was worthless and therefore, causing me to make horrible decisions. Even after I got out of the depression stuff, I still struggled with the thought that I was an outcast. I didn’t go anywhere in public without a hoodie or a covering of some kind. I wanted to cover myself so people wouldn’t be drawn to how big I was. I felt like I couldn’t do anything or be with anyone without them thinking about how fat I was.
Enough about that junk. Since I started losing weight and treating my body like the temple that it is, I’ve felt more confident in myself about who I am. (NOTE: We are not supposed to get our confidence solely based on our appearance but because of the fact that we have a God who loves us for who we are. He doesn’t make us feel like outcasts because we are a bit heavy. He loves us no matter what size we are, how we talk, what we do for a living, etc. Feeling good about yourself is something that can happen as a result of working out and losing weight but it should not be the only way you find satisfaction with who you are.) I feel better because I have lost weight and because I look better, but I never thought that God didn’t love me because I was fat. Do not ever think that!!
In closing, I wasted a lot of years because I thought everyone was pointing their finger at me. This is not how life is supposed to be lived. If you feel this way, change your mentality because you aren’t worthless! You are loved and adored by God the Creator and He does not make trash. If you want to do something to change yourself, do it. Stop making excuses (like I did for all those years) and just decide to do something! It will only be for your benefit and you will feel amazing!! (Even if you don’t lose weight at a rapid pace like me, exercising makes you feel better about yourself. A lot better than sitting on the couch does.) Make it an important task to take care of yourself. You are worth it!
Signing Out,
It’s Possible!!
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