Day 27: A Look into the Outcast’s Life

Ok, so the title is kind of…eh…disturbing. (It gets better, I promise!!) No one wants to be called an outcast and no one wants to think that someone they love feels like one. Well, this is actually what I’ve felt like for the several years up until I decided to get off my bottom and do something about it: an outcast.

Mind you, the “outcast” mentality is not something that happens because of being overweight. It is a choice, a bad choice. It’s kinda like that black goo stuff that gets on Spiderman in the third movie. It overtakes you and makes  you…well…different. I chose to feel like an outcast because of my weight and that is what I became. However, the outcast mentality did not come upon me just out of the clear blue sky; it was a gradual thing that started when I was little.

Being called “fat,” “fatty” and all other kinds of names under the sun while you are little doesn’t do much for your self-esteem. I started out as a relatively healthy child who played outside a lot and didn’t look big at all. The last I remember being thin (because of a yearbook photo that I have) was 3^rd grade. I must’ve started to gain weight in the 4^th grade because I remember being VERY chunky in my yearbook photo. I’m not even sure why I gained so much weight! It’s not like my mom made unhealthy food or that she bought us take-out a lot. Becoming fat was also just a choice that I made, even though unintentionally.

When I started to balloon out, that’s when I started to feel like the outcast of the family. My very thin sister would constantly call me names like “fatso” and “fatty.” (BTW, I hold none of this against her. She’s an amazing sister and I would not trade for anyone in the world. Young kids do stupid things and name calling is part of it…unfortunately…) I always felt like I never measured up to the rest of my family. They were either thin, popular, both or in my mind, their problems never seemed as bad as being fat. My mom was thin, my aunt was thin, my cousins were thin, it seemed like everyone was thin except me and that made me feel a lot like the “runt” of the litter: the mistake, really.

We lived in Missouri when I started getting fat and we also lived near my cousins, whom we visited often. Whenever they would visit or we would visit them, it seemed like they would all gravitate toward my sister because she was cooler or more fun or whatever the case. This left me feeling very hurt and I blamed it on the fact that I was fat. I didn’t feel like a part of the family. In fact, I tried to hang around with the adults mostly because I knew they usually saw past how much space you’d take up. I was insecure around my cousins and my sister and even though I did sometimes hang out with them, I always felt like the odd ball, the ugly duckling, misplaced no matter what I did.

When I got into high school, I always felt out of place as well. I was lucky to make the friends that I did but I was insecure around them too. I was constantly trying to find ways to “prove” to other people that I was worth something. I excelled in all my classes and it made me feel special when people would come to me for help or for answers (that I didn’t give them because cheating is wrong.) I’d always try to make people see how smart I was so that they wouldn’t see how fat I was.

French class was the absolute worst! About 95% of my French class for all four years was populated with thin, popular or rich people. Four percent consisted of the bigger, popular, rich people so they were automatically “in.” I counted myself as the 1% that wasn’t rich, was fat and was quiet (because I was fat.) I didn’t like the attention on me because that would give people a reason to stare. I tried to keep to myself and just fill out my workbook. I really only talked when the teacher would ask me a question or whenever I was trying to deter Nick Lahr from cheating. (He sat in front of me my first year and would daily look back and try to get the answers from my workbook.) For almost all four years, I sat toward the back, rarely talking and just working in my workbook, alone and feeling like an outcast. It really sucked because I wanted to be seen as special and I never felt worthy enough.

College life was a little bit of a different story with the same result. This time, I was surrounded by people that were bigger than me by several pounds. This made me feel better. (This sounds absolutely horrible.) I knew that I would no longer be the focus because there were bigger targets to focus on. I still felt like an outcast inwardly even though I was getting along on the outside. I put on a “front” but even that did fool people.  

A bad self-image can get you into trouble too. In college, I reconnected with a guy I met at church camp and I thought he was the “cat’s meow.” He always told me how pretty I was, how smart, etc, etc. (A load of bull if you ask me.) I fell into this trap and spent the next few months trying to recover with secular counseling and advice from friends. Ultimately, the only thing that got me out of this depression (yes, it was diagnosed by a professional as “depression”) was going to church and spending my time with people that would speak truth into me. (One day after I decided to make a stand for myself and my happiness is when I met PJ, my husband.)

So, now you know a brief history of how I felt because of being fat. It led me to think that I was worthless and therefore, causing me to make horrible decisions. Even after I got out of the depression stuff, I still struggled with the thought that I was an outcast. I didn’t go anywhere in public without a hoodie or a covering of some kind. I wanted to cover myself so people wouldn’t be drawn to how big I was. I felt like I couldn’t do anything or be with anyone without them thinking about how fat I was.

Enough about that junk. Since I started losing weight and treating my body like the temple that it is, I’ve felt more confident in myself about who I am. (NOTE: We are not supposed to get our confidence solely based on our appearance but because of the fact that we have a God who loves us for who we are. He doesn’t make us feel like outcasts because we are a bit heavy. He loves us no matter what size we are, how we talk, what we do for a living, etc. Feeling good about yourself is something that can happen as a result of working out and losing weight but it should not be the only way you find satisfaction with who you are.) I feel better because I have lost weight and because I look better, but I never thought that God didn’t love me because I was fat. Do not ever think that!!

In closing, I wasted a lot of years because I thought everyone was pointing their finger at me. This is not how life is supposed to be lived. If you feel this way, change your mentality because you aren’t worthless! You are loved and adored by God the Creator and He does not make trash. If you want to do something to change yourself, do it. Stop making excuses (like I did for all those years) and just decide to do something! It will only be for your benefit and you will feel amazing!! (Even if you don’t lose weight at a rapid pace like me, exercising makes you feel better about yourself. A lot better than sitting on the couch does.) Make it an important task to take care of yourself. You are worth it!

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

Day 24: Almost Half-Way Through

It’s Day 24 of this whole Insanity thing and I am almost half-way through!! I’m also almost half-way through with my entire weight loss journey (unless my goals change.) To start out my journey through Insanity, I had PJ take pictures of me from just about every angle: front, back, both sides, arms out like I was flying, etc. I plan to do this again once Day 30 rolls around. I’m excited but I’m not exactly sure I will see any major improvements. However, seeing really isn’t believing because I know my body is getting better despite the way it looks.

Then again, that’s kind of how I felt the entire way through P90X. I kept pushing myself to workout even though I didn’t see any changes as I was doing it. I only started “seeing” changes as my clothes were getting loose and as people were coming up to me and asking me if I was “losing weight.” So, even though I’m about 90% sure there will not be much of a difference, I feel better about me and that’s really all that matters!

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

P.S. Even though on Monday the scale said 177, that is the lowest weight I have seen myself at in a LOOOOONG time. I remember being in 6^th or 7^th grade and weighing 150!! I weighed more than my mom and I always remember feeling so shameful because daughters are not supposed to weigh more than their moms. So, I am so excited to keep seeing my number go further down!!

Day 23: Shaun T, You Lied to Me!!

Today was the sweat fest exercise known as Cardio Power and Resistance. I say sweat fest because this is definitely the sweatiest session I have yet to see with the Insanity workouts. I love it though! It’s very fulfilling to know that you are working out so hard and so much that you are drenched! It’s also kinda gross and sticky, but hey, that washes off.

So, I’ve gotten over the bummed feeling of the Weigh Day on Monday and I’ve decided that I will just weigh myself ever few days. This will help me out more than looking at Simon once every week because I will see which way the scale is going as opposed to just hoping and praying that it will be less than the previous number I saw. If I have a bad day also, I can look at the scale the next day and determine what changes I need to make in order to get a better result come the next Weigh Day. I think this will work a lot better and I won’t feel so defeated next week.

Oh yeah, about the title to Day 23. In Cardio Power and Resistance near the end of the video, Shaun T always says “this is the last one.” So, you get real amped up and do the last set…only to be surprised by “get up, you have one more to go.” (He says “get up” because people are literally on the floor at this point.) They get up and both you and they do squats and push ups until it’s time for the cool down. I always believe Shaun T whenever he says “this is the last one.” Lol!

For those of you who have recently started a weight loss journey, how are you doing? I’d love to hear some feedback and what works best and not so best for you when it comes to working out and eating better.

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

Day 22: Disappointment…

Today was Weigh Day and I didn’t want to get out of bed to “jump” on that scale. I “manned up” and did it though and was very disappointed to see that I gained 2.4 pounds!! The scale this morning said 177.0. I literally felt my face start to get hot as I saw though numbers flash on the screen. (My face only feels hot when I am embarrassed.) Yes, I was embarrassed. I was mortified and I really didn’t want to do my workout this morning because I felt like crap. Like my work had not done anything for me the last week and like I was just spinning my wheels. I was very disappointed in myself. VERY!!

I blame it on the food though. I ate poorly near the end of the week (due to a weak will and two boys, who shall not be named, that tempted me into eating such foods.) The food was tasty, but looking back, it was a big mistake to eat it. I told myself that this week needs to be a better week; I need to deny the flesh at all costs and eat only my calorie intake for the day. I don’t need another week like the one I just got!! I was also very tempted to throw away the three bags of El Chico tortilla chips that one of those boys (mentioned above) acquired from his place of employment. I don’t need chips!!

Even though I didn’t want to workout today, I still did. I’m not about to quit on something that I’ve worked so hard for. So, I had a bad week, but that doesn’t mean that I should just stop altogether. I turned on my computer, got my 32 ounces of water, pushed the play button, and did Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs. And, I’m very thankful that I did. I felt much better and am ready to make this week a losing week!! I’m going to say “no” to the bad foods and I am going to get myself away from the situation if I am tempted to eat something that I don’t need to eat. I don’t mean to be rude, but if I have to physically remove myself from the situation, I am going to have to do that. I need to be successful and I’m bound and determined to do whatever it takes.

This is my rant about food:

What is it about food that is so ensnaring? Why do we use food as a method to soothe our emotions or “make everything right in the world?” Why do we have so much junk in this world? We know it doesn’t help us, yet we eat it anyway. It really all comes down to money and the love of money, really (and the fact that it tastes good.) Why do people make junk food: to make money. Kids love junk food, adults sneak-eat it after the kids go to bed and it seems like our world just revolves around food. And, while I’m trying to rid myself of the addiction to food, it seems to always get in my face. I hate that it’s like that, but then again, I have to learn how to be more powerful over my body and I have to win over the temptations that I face. I kinda wish that we didn’t need food to survive. If we didn’t need it so much, I’d probably try to avoid it.

I was kinda hesistant, once again, to post my weight (and the fact that I had gained weight) on the internet for the whole world to see. But, I know I need to because someone who reads it might be in the same predicament as I was when I saw that number: disappointed and questioning the process. Well, the process works, it’s really all about the mental strength when faced with a temptation. And, last week, I didn’t do so well. My only piece of advice is don’t give up, man up! Giving up will not do anything for you except make you gain more weight. If you “man up” to the fact that you just have to work harder and eat better, this will get you a lot farther. So, don’t give up, man up!!

For this next week, I’m gonna “man up” and really take charge. If you offer me something bad to eat, I’ll throw it in your face. Lol. Not really, but I will say “no!!”

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

Day 21: Week 3 Down!! I’m Noticing Some Changes!!

Week 3 is complete and Weigh Day #3 is tomorrow! And, just in case you are wondering, I’ve been purposefully skimpy with my posts as of late because I’ve been trying to think of something to write about other than the fact that working out and losing weight is mental. I’m trying to search out different angles so that my readers (however many there are) don’t get bored.

I guess today seems like a good time to tell you that even though I’ve only been doing insanity for three weeks, I am seeing vast improvements since Day 1. I was doing Cardio Power and Resistance on Friday and in that video, we have to do a move called the Power Jump. This is where you squat down with your hands out over your knees and jump up so and hit/touch your knees as they come up too. You land in the same squat position as you started with and continue doing that until you are plum wore out or until the 30 seconds is over with. You do these as fast as you can.

The first week that I did these, my knees barely went up and I couldn’t do more than a few without feeling like I was going to keel over. Friday, however, I noticed that I could jump higher, land smoother and do more without feeling so worn out. I probably did three times as many as the first day!!

If you remember from two week ago, the first time I did V Push Ups (which was also in Cardio Power and Resistance) I wanted to cry because they hurt so much (and I was huffing and puffing from the Power Jumps)! Friday, I was doing the V Push Ups and again I wanted to cry!! Not because it hurt but because I could do them easier, faster, and I didn’t give up before the allotted time!

Another improvement that I noticed was that during the Suicides. (A move in which you quickly run side to side and touching the floor as you come down. This occurs within about a seven-foot range.) The first time we had to do those, I was slow. When I did it yesterday during Plyometric Cardio Circuit, I noticed that I was FASTER by a lot!! It even amazed me how fast I was moving!!

When it comes to In and Outs, I’ve also improved. In and Outs are when you put yourself in the plank position (like you are going to do push-ups) and hop your feet in between your arms and then out again to plank. While I can’t do a plank perfectly (my back always seems to arch!) I have been improving on the modified version of the In and Outs. I have more endurance and I can last the whole 30 seconds instead of wimping out after only 15 or so. This move also makes me sweat a ton. I think that’s why I’ve come to like it so much!!

I’m excited to see what happens over the next few weeks. I’m also excited to take pictures on Day 30 to see if anything has changed physically since Day 1. I’m also semi-excited to weigh in tomorrow…just because I haven’t touched that scale since last Monday.

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

Day 17: Avoiding An Injury

Today was Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs again. I checked my Insanity schedule last night about what workout I was supposed to do this morning and, needless to say, I wasn’t that excited about doing it. So, I did stay in bed a lot longer than I wanted or needed to but still managed to drag myself out and do that insane workout!! (I have a really bad habit of not getting out of bed when I actually want to. So, I set my alarm for 8, 8:15, 8:30, 8:45 and 9 because I actually wanted to get up at 9. Only, I accidentally forgot to set the 9 alarm and ended up sleeping for 2 hours more. L I think once I get an earlier job or a baby, I’ll be waking up a lot earlier.)  

We stared with the warm-up (of course) and I got through the first set with no problem. (The warm-up is divided into 30 second intervals of jogging, jumping jacks, heisman’s, 1-2-3’s, butt kicks, high knees and mummy kicks. So, 3.5 minutes 3 times for the warm-up.) On the second set of jumping jacks I noticed that whenever my hands went up and my feet when out, there was a sharp pain in my left foot. I did a few more jumping jacks but then decided to take mini water break until the heisman’s began so that I wouldn’t hurt my foot even worse. I did the rest of the second set with practically no problem, a little tinge of pain here or there but nothing serious. For the third set, I decide that I would jog through the jumping jack section so as not to irritate my foot further. And, I think that is exactly what I needed because my foot did not hurt for the rest of the Pure Cardio session or even after the workout was over. Something was telling me to take a little break or to modify the jumping jacks and I am sure glad I listened.

I talked a little bit about this yesterday in the “dedicating your body” section. If something gives you a sharp pain when you do it, do something different!! As you read above, it’s imperative because something worse could happen that could set you back for longer than just a few seconds (as did with mine). Don’t feel bad if you have to skimp on your workout either. It’s better to leave a few minutes out as opposed to a few days if something serious comes of the pain.

Also, if you are doing your workouts barefoot on carpet, make sure to vacuum the floors once every few days. I haven’t vacuumed since last Friday and I stepped on a chip crumb dropped from my husband. Can you say ouch!!

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!

Day 16: Dedicating Your Time and Your Body

Aside from the mental pressures that I have and will face through my “Healthier Me” journey, I have also faced the issue of time and pain. I may step on some toes here, but read me out because I’ve been in some of these situations as well. You are not and will not be the only one, I promise.

 I have heard several people complain about time in that they don’t have enough to time to work out. They blame it on their busy schedules even though if they had just reprioritized some things, they would have time. More likely than not, a lot of this so-called time that they don’t have is actually spent in front of the television. (I know because I used to be one of those people that didn’t want to sacrifice my shows to get up and do something that would actually benefit me.) If you are a truly busy person and want to lose some weight, you have to make it priority to find the time.

For me, when it comes down to it, I have to prioritize my workouts around sleep and work. And, hopefully I am not the only person to admit that I like sleep. I feel more refreshed if I have cat naps, I like sleeping in when I can, and I try to go to bed at a decent hour. I’m a big fan of sleep. (Just ask my husband.) For the few weeks before I started P90X, I would wake up at 6:30am, shower and go to my second job, Dairy Queen. When I finished up my work there, I would come home (usually between 8-10 am) and go straight to sleep. I would sleep up until about 2:20pm and then go to my first job from 3-11. I’d be home at about 11:30, eat some leftovers that my mom had made and then go to sleep for the night, only to start the whole thing over the next morning. When I started P90X, I didn’t really want to give up my sleep, but decided that I had to in order to see this thing through. I reprioritized my time and decided that my workout time would take the place of the nap after my second job. It worked well too AND I didn’t feel as tired either!

Since I currently do not have a second job, I do my workouts in the morning as soon as I get up (whenever that happens to be, usually between 9-10am). It’s a wonderful start to the day and I feel much more energized to do the rest of the things I have to do. Not to mention, I feel a lot better after a workout because I know that I did something to improve myself. On Saturdays and whenever I work the Audit Shift, it’s a little bit of a different story. We have church on Saturday mornings at 10:30am and in order to squeeze my workout in, I wake up at around 8am. On the mornings that I come home from my Audit Shifts at 7:15am, I do my workout then. This usually keeps me energized for a few hours more and I don’t go to sleep for quite some time later. Time may be your biggest hurdle, but it is something that you will have to get over in order to succeed. I didn’t like giving up the time that I spent sleeping at first, but once I started, it became easier to continue.

When it comes to the body, one the most common excuse for not wanting to workout, or even failing to do so, is because of pain. When you first start working out after a long time of being sedentary, it HURTS! Muscles that you didn’t even think you had suddenly “appear” and it becomes painful to do even the simplest of tasks. (When I started P90X, it hurt to walk for the first week. When starting Insanity, it hurt less and I could walk a lot easier, but my shoulders hurt more than they ever had.) This is something that you just have to push yourself through. Believe me, the pain does go away and from the pain you become stronger! (If you experience pain that you don’t think is associated with muscle soreness, either lay low for a day or two, do a modified exercise OR something similar, or contact a doctor. There is a difference and if you strike a nerve or stretch too far, you will feel that difference. So, be careful!)

I have to tell on myself now. This morning, I did not want to get up and exercise. I wanted to lay in bed all day until I had to go to work. This laziness was due to the fact that my body hurt all over. (Last night at work, I had to stock the maid’s cart with towels and heavy bundles of bedding that they would need for today. The cart that I had to push in order to fill the maid’s carts was HUGE and HEAVY. It was so heavy that pushing it to and fro made practically all the muscles in my legs very SORE! I had to use the entire weight of my body to push or pull this thing! I’m guessing it was a few hundred pounds. The bundles themselves are about 10 pounds in and of themselves and I had to haul several of those as well. It was a workout that I enjoyed but I do not relish the soreness that came from it.) Despite the fact that I wanted to be a Bed Potato, I made myself get up and do the workout (Plyometric Cardio Circuit). Once I started the workout, I could no longer feel the pain that was surging through my legs and back just minutes prior. It all went away (and then hit me again as soon as the workout was over.) Choosing to work out when you are sore is also a mental thing, but when you do decide to work out versus lying in bed, you feel a lot better about yourself. Don’t let the soreness that comes from working out steal you of your right to be healthier.

In this little portion, I would like to acknowledge someone who I think is a wonderful example of time well spent. She is a stay at home mommy to a precious little boy, a dedicated wife to a soldier, an online student who makes good grades, an avid scrapbooker, AND amongst all of that, she still finds time to exercise. She definitely deserves some applause because while her schedule seems to be crazy busy with raising a God-fearing little man, spending time with her husband, doing homework, and trying to find sleep among other things, she knows the importance of exercise and does her best to stick to it. She’s an inspiration and someone I can definitely learn from now and when I become a mother as well. Tiffany Comer, you are doing a GREAT job!!

Signing Out,

It’s Possible!!